Title: Thoughts on a wedding (5/28/04)
Season VI Š
Rating: PG-13 for language
Word Count - 907
Distribution: sure, ask and you shall receive
Feedback: absolutely, please!
Beta: nope, blame me for the mess
Summary: What Spike might have been thinking while at the non-wedding
She looks so happy as I watch her from the side of the room Š greetinÕ people, hugginÕ her friends, beaminÕ at the whelp with tears in her eyes. Happy tears, not the ones she sheds with me when she thinks IÕm asleep. Used to shed with me Š used to. Never wants to sleep with me again - sleep WITH me -was she ever really with me? ThatÕs what she said, isnÕt it?
Back to the subject. She seems happy. ShouldnÕt breakinÕ my heart have hurt her a little bit? ShouldnÕt she be just a little bit sad that she crushed the man who loves her? Oh, wait, thatÕs right. Not a man. A ŅthingÓ, an Ņevil, disgusting thingÓ. No reason to worry about his feelings. Got no soul. CanÕt have feelings.
I wonder if she knows IÕm here yet? Would she come and talk to me if she did? What can we say to each other? Me? All I can think of is ŅI love you.Ó Been there Š tried that. She doesnÕt want to hear it. DoesnÕt want to believe it. SoddinÕ Angelus! Got her convinced you have to have a soul to love her. Got her so sure, she wonÕt see whatÕs right in front of her. Then sheÕd have to admit what a bastard he is Š worry that thereÕs something wrong with her that he couldnÕt love her without his soul. Tried to tell her the miserable pillock was a dickhead with or without it, but she doesnÕt want to hear it.
Off subject again. What could she say to me? I know what I want her to say. Tell me sheÕs sorry. Tell me she didnÕt mean it Š breaking up with me, I mean. I want her to tell me she wants me. DonÕt care if she loves me Š OK, I do care, just donÕt need to hear it if sheÕll just come back to my bed. Let me love her. ThatÕd be enough for me. Has to be.
I wonder if sheÕs seen my ŅdateÓ? Not much for her to look at, I guess. SheÕs certainly no competition for my golden girl. Just couldnÕt bear to show up alone. DonÕt want to seem pathetic. Anyway, maybe sheÕll be jealous. Just a little. Maybe.
Or, maybe not. SheÕd have to care to be jealous. Know she doesnÕt. SheÕs made that clear often enough. It was never about caring for her. It was just about getting an itch scratched. Hard to believe the wonderful girl I fell in love with would treat someone like that. Even someone she thought was beneath her.
Guess the fact that she doesnÕt want to do it any more shows that sheÕs gettinÕ better. Starting to feel bad about using me. I should be glad for her. That sheÕs startinÕ to feel like herself again.
Oh shit. Here she comes. SheÕs so beautiful. Got to be cool. DonÕt let her see what a pathetic git I am. DonÕt beg. Act like IÕm dealinÕ with it. Be sure she knows I brought a dateÉÉ
Guess I didnÕt fool her Š she knows the date was just to make her jealous. Think IÕll ask if it did Š not that I expect her to admitÉÉOk, now sheÕs just fuckinÕ with my mind. Telling me it hurts Š seeing me with someone else. How can it hurt if she doesnÕt care? DidnÕt want to hurt her! Oh, love, IÕm sorry Š wait a minute! The whole point of bringing the silly bint was to make Buffy realize she wants me. Not gonna apologize for it!
IÕm such a wanker. Of course IÕm sorry. Never want to cause her more pain. Was a bad idea. What was I thinkinÕ? I tell her I love her and then I do somethinÕ IÕm hopinÕ will hurt her. SheÕs right. I am evil. DonÕt deserve her. Know that. DoesnÕt matter. Want her anyway.
Sod it all. She was so happy. I donÕt want to spoil the party for her. IÕll just take the bird home and go get drunk somewhere. DonÕt think IÕda enjoyed it anyway. Watching her from a distance, wishing she was dancing with me. God, IÕm a pathetic git! What a wanker! As bad as William, I am sometimes. Gonna leave. Let her enjoy the fun with her Scoobie friends.
Should have taken the time to wish the demon girl well. I suspect sheÕs going to need some good wishes Š marrying that wanker. Hope heÕs good to her.
Ok, weÕre leavinÕ. IÕve made enough of a fool of myself. And made her unhappy besides. I wonder if it really did hurt? Or if sheÕs just saying that to make me feel better?
Why would she care how I feel? Said it again, though, when I asked if it really did. Looked like she meant it. I thought I saw something there. Damn her! WeÕre not together and sheÕs still blowinÕ hot and cold.
She says it doesnÕt change anything. That it hurts her. How can she say that? It changes everything! If she didnÕt care, it wouldnÕt hurt her. If she cares, why is she doing this to me? To herself? To us.
I need a drink.
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